Easter Brunch!!!!!

Obviously, the main point of Easter is brunch. Right? That’s what the big deal about Easter is? And what better way to celebrate the day Jesus drove all the rabbits out of Scotland than to cook some Gwyneth Paltrow brunch recipes!

I invited somewhere between four and fifteen friends to my place for Easter morning for a totally Gwyneth brunch, so I knew there could be no fucking this up. THE EYES OF THE WORLD WERE UPON ME. The brunch was scheduled at 1 (we tend to be a lazy group), but I had to get started at 8 am. What else would you expect from Gwyneth? As a result, I excused myself relatively early on Saturday night and set my alarm. Yes, this brunch was serious business. Continue reading

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Filed under Breakfast, Holidays

A BLT Recipe? A BLT Recipe.

Oh boy, have I fallen behind on blogging. But not cooking! Fear not! So let’s do some catch-up. I made a big meal on Saturday for friends, but that’s going to be a much longer, more-involved post, so in the meantime, let’s just get Turkey BLTs out of the way.

Really, this recipe is a perfect example of the idiocy of this cookbook. What is this nonsense? Why is it in a cookbook? Do people really not know how to make BLTs and they need Gwyneth Paltrow to tell them? The recipe for a BLT is almost literally the entire name of the sandwich. Tell any halfwit “please make me a turkey BLT” and you will get a rough approximation of this recipe. Here’s what I mean: Continue reading

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Filed under Burgers & Sandwiches

How To Look Skinny on Valentine’s Day

It’s Valentine’s Day, and what’s the most important thing on Valentine’s Day? Say it with me: Being thin! That’s right, very good. So last night I made Spaghetti LimoneParmeggiano, which is a fancy way to say noodles with lemon juice! GREAT! It’s basically like eating NOTHING, so now today I’m starving and miserable and VERY thin, which everyone knows is better than being happy.

(I should also point out the elephant in the room: We’ve passed the 9-month deadline I set for myself. WHOOPS. Looks like I failed. If that bothers you, you’re free to find another blog where they’re cooking all of Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipes for no reason. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU. Missed deadline aside, I won’t stop cooking, because I will not be satisfied until I’ve completed all these recipes or we’re all dead. Whichever comes first, although I think the latter might actually be preferable. My move to New York has obviously derailed things, but I’ll keep trucking along, for the two of you who are still reading and aren’t my parents. Anyway, let’s DO THIS.) Continue reading

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Filed under Holidays, Pasta

DUCK PARTY 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know what happened to me the night before — some drink combination, or a particularly handsome man looking at me in a certain way — but I woke up last Sunday with nerves of steel. I could do anything, I suddenly realized. Why hadn’t I ever seen it before? Buoyed by this superlative confidence, I sent out a text to a few choice friends: “In search of duck bacon today. If I succeed, we will have dinner. Wish me luck.” And I ventured out into Brooklyn.

It’s laughable how easy it was. I should have known. It shouldn’t have surprised me that duck bacon in Brooklyn is literally sold on the sidewalk. But, there it was, in the heart of the paltriest, most pitiable farmer’s market I’ve ever seen. Six tents, crammed on the length of one sidewalk, offering very little in produce (no duh, it’s January in New York, but STILL. Very depressing). I walked up and down the block twice, looking for the duck salesman the internet had said might be there, before I finally saw why I hadn’t seen him the first two times: he was just some dude, youngish with a hipster beard, sitting atop a cooler, behind a hand-painted sign that simply said, “DUCKS.” Continue reading

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Filed under Pasta, Salads

Oh Heyyyyyy, Guys

Guys! Remember when I used to run a blog? Haha, just kidding, no one remembers that. That was way back in 2011! And now it’s 2012, which means it’s time for some HONESTY: My move to New York has tried its hardest to derail this project. This city is a very demanding mistress. (Did you know there’s stuff going on here ALL THE TIME? And that it’s VERY HARD TO SAY NO TO ANY OF IT? I’m pretty sure my dog starved to death 10 days ago, can someone go to my house and check on him, please? I’ll just be at this comedy show tonight.) But, fear not, I will keep at this nightmare of a project until either I’m dead, or all of us are. Anyway, I made some stuff!

One recent weekend, I woke up and decided that pancakes were NECESSARY. Thankfully, Gwyneth provides me with two pancake recipes! One of them, however, requires you to make the batter the night before (naturally), so instead I went with the very literally named Morning Pancakes. Unfortunately, my camera battery wasn’t charged, so I don’t have any pictures. You know what pancakes look like, though, right? That’s what these looked like. I don’t think any of us are missing out on anything here. Continue reading

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Filed under Breakfast, Burgers & Sandwiches

AruguLAME Pasta

If you guys are thinking about buying this cookbook for someone this Christmas: Don’t. It’s not exciting. Maybe it’ll elicit a laugh upon the initial unwrapping, but beyond that, there’s nothing much of value to be gained from it. Case in point is Tomato & Arugula Pasta. Let’s delve into this and explore why no self-respecting cookbook (that you expect people to PAY ACTUAL MONEY for) should include this recipe. Continue reading

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Filed under Pasta

‘Tis the Season(al Crumble)!

Okay, so, it’s time to get real with you guys: I fucked up. This is something I cooked basically a month ago but has been too uninspiring to even bother writing about until now. And somewhere in that time I, apparently, deleted all the photos I took of this recipe. Soooooo this one is pictureless. Use your imagination, I guess. Whoops. And if this terrible start hasn’t pulled you in, then you are just hopeless. (Also, the Portland Mercury wrote a little shout-out to me, and now I feel a lot of pressure to not let the wonderful Alison Hallett down.) Anyway, Seasonal Crumble!

Way back in November, faithful readers may remember I was still living on my friends’ couch, still hopelessly searching for an apartment, aided by nothing but my own determination, and a box full of cunt balls. Nora and Mandy, my two gracious hosts, were finally throwing a housewarming party a mere three months since moving in, and I wanted to contribute. A seasonal crumble seemed perfect, even though I was kicking myself for not making this during the summer, when I could have used peaches and blackberries. Instead I would be stuck with apple, which is fine, but not nearly as exciting. Alas, the plight of a lazy blogger.

But stuck with apple I was, so after a trip to Trader Joe’s (and oh my god am I happy not to live near a Trader Joe’s in Brooklyn because those places in the city are insane), we returned to the apartment to set up for the party. Nora made her famous dip and tried to mix an alcoholic cider while the rest of us criticized her hesitation at adding too much alcohol, Mandy made her famous red velvet cake balls, and I got to work on the crumble.

Much like the rest of this cookbook, the actual recipe was far too easy. Dice up your fruit, put it in a baking dish. I sliced up my apples and tossed them in, and then added my secret ingredient (blackberries, which I had purchased on a whim, even though they were out of season, because I wanted some more flavor in my crumble, SORRY FOR BREAKING THE RULES). On top of that I dumped some flour. I don’t remember how much; this happened a month ago.

To make the crumble topping, I mixed some softened butter, whole rolled oats, and brown sugar in a bowl with my hands, which is turning into one of my favorite things Gwyneth makes me do. I don’t know what it says about my fetishes, but I LOVE kneading softened butter with my fingers. I’m sure there’s a whole section on the NYC Craigslist where I could make money off of doing only that, but we’ll save that for when I get a little bit more desperate for money.

Anyway, I put the crumble on top of the fruit and baked it for however long Gwyneth told me to bake it for. And then I took it out and forced people to eat it with the ice cream, and everyone at the party commented on how wonderful the store-bought ice cream was. So that should tell you all you need to know about the crumble.

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Filed under Desserts, Uncategorized