Oh Heyyyyyy, Guys

Guys! Remember when I used to run a blog? Haha, just kidding, no one remembers that. That was way back in 2011! And now it’s 2012, which means it’s time for some HONESTY: My move to New York has tried its hardest to derail this project. This city is a very demanding mistress. (Did you know there’s stuff going on here ALL THE TIME? And that it’s VERY HARD TO SAY NO TO ANY OF IT? I’m pretty sure my dog starved to death 10 days ago, can someone go to my house and check on him, please? I’ll just be at this comedy show tonight.) But, fear not, I will keep at this nightmare of a project until either I’m dead, or all of us are. Anyway, I made some stuff!

One recent weekend, I woke up and decided that pancakes were NECESSARY. Thankfully, Gwyneth provides me with two pancake recipes! One of them, however, requires you to make the batter the night before (naturally), so instead I went with the very literally named Morning Pancakes. Unfortunately, my camera battery wasn’t charged, so I don’t have any pictures. You know what pancakes look like, though, right? That’s what these looked like. I don’t think any of us are missing out on anything here. Continue reading


Filed under Breakfast, Burgers & Sandwiches

AruguLAME Pasta

If you guys are thinking about buying this cookbook for someone this Christmas: Don’t. It’s not exciting. Maybe it’ll elicit a laugh upon the initial unwrapping, but beyond that, there’s nothing much of value to be gained from it. Case in point is Tomato & Arugula Pasta. Let’s delve into this and explore why no self-respecting cookbook (that you expect people to PAY ACTUAL MONEY for) should include this recipe. Continue reading


Filed under Pasta

‘Tis the Season(al Crumble)!

Okay, so, it’s time to get real with you guys: I fucked up. This is something I cooked basically a month ago but has been too uninspiring to even bother writing about until now. And somewhere in that time I, apparently, deleted all the photos I took of this recipe. Soooooo this one is pictureless. Use your imagination, I guess. Whoops. And if this terrible start hasn’t pulled you in, then you are just hopeless. (Also, the Portland Mercury wrote a little shout-out to me, and now I feel a lot of pressure to not let the wonderful Alison Hallett down.) Anyway, Seasonal Crumble!

Way back in November, faithful readers may remember I was still living on my friends’ couch, still hopelessly searching for an apartment, aided by nothing but my own determination, and a box full of cunt balls. Nora and Mandy, my two gracious hosts, were finally throwing a housewarming party a mere three months since moving in, and I wanted to contribute. A seasonal crumble seemed perfect, even though I was kicking myself for not making this during the summer, when I could have used peaches and blackberries. Instead I would be stuck with apple, which is fine, but not nearly as exciting. Alas, the plight of a lazy blogger.

But stuck with apple I was, so after a trip to Trader Joe’s (and oh my god am I happy not to live near a Trader Joe’s in Brooklyn because those places in the city are insane), we returned to the apartment to set up for the party. Nora made her famous dip and tried to mix an alcoholic cider while the rest of us criticized her hesitation at adding too much alcohol, Mandy made her famous red velvet cake balls, and I got to work on the crumble.

Much like the rest of this cookbook, the actual recipe was far too easy. Dice up your fruit, put it in a baking dish. I sliced up my apples and tossed them in, and then added my secret ingredient (blackberries, which I had purchased on a whim, even though they were out of season, because I wanted some more flavor in my crumble, SORRY FOR BREAKING THE RULES). On top of that I dumped some flour. I don’t remember how much; this happened a month ago.

To make the crumble topping, I mixed some softened butter, whole rolled oats, and brown sugar in a bowl with my hands, which is turning into one of my favorite things Gwyneth makes me do. I don’t know what it says about my fetishes, but I LOVE kneading softened butter with my fingers. I’m sure there’s a whole section on the NYC Craigslist where I could make money off of doing only that, but we’ll save that for when I get a little bit more desperate for money.

Anyway, I put the crumble on top of the fruit and baked it for however long Gwyneth told me to bake it for. And then I took it out and forced people to eat it with the ice cream, and everyone at the party commented on how wonderful the store-bought ice cream was. So that should tell you all you need to know about the crumble.

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Filed under Desserts, Uncategorized

Okay, wow, I am really behind on blogging. You guys, I have so many recipes I’ve cooked recently that I still have to write about! Let’s dooooo this! I’m also going to be posting these out of order of when I cooked them, because I don’t really feel like writing about some stupid dessert right now. Let’s talk about Broccoli and Cheese Soup!

Where we last left off, I had just moved into my beautiful new apartment, and forgive me for bragging, but it’s so beautiful!!! I completely lucked out with this place. It’s perfect for the owner of a massive, massive, idiotic dog. The downside is that it’s in what is more or less a total subway dead zone in Brooklyn, so no one will ever visit me because you have to pack food and water on the subway to keep your energy up for the long journey. ANYWAY. I moved into this place. It’s great.

Wait, can I derail things to update you guys on my job? It’s fun! I like it! Even though I was still doing work from home at 9:30 last night, like some sort of ADULT or something. BOOOOOO. (Full disclosure: While I was working, I was also watching cartoons.) Anyway, the reason I’m talking about this is to say I actually have a full-on FRIEND through work now, which is great, and we now have a lunchtime bet going, which is relevant to this blog post. See? We’re not totally off-topic. But bear with me as I explain. Continue reading


Filed under Soups

Being Thankful for Gwyneth

I have returned from Wisconsin, dog in tow, and I could not be happier to have this whole moving process finally, finally completed. But anyway, we can talk about that later. Let’s talk about Thanksgiving!

It goes without saying that, when in the middle of a year-long cooking project, the one day you absolute MUST cook on is Thanksgiving. I feel like that’s in the Constitution somewhere. So before I left New York, I picked out a couple Gwyneth side dishes to contribute to our enormous family meal, relishing the idea of force-feeding my health-food-phobic family Brussels sprouts. If you recall, the last time I cooked for my family, I made cheesy stuffed burgers. This time, I wasn’t going to take it so easy on them. Continue reading


Filed under Holidays, Sides

Breakfast in Chelsea

You guys, I’m two recipes behind on blogging, so it’s time to CATCH UP. Plus it’s Thanksgiving week, and I’ve got a lot of recipes planned to knock out, so let’s hurry up! But first, an update: I started my job last week, and yesterday I moved into an apartment! And they’re both great! And this weekend, after spending Thanksgiving in Wisconsin, Bark Antony and I will be driving back to New York. Country dog moving to the big city! Yikes.

Anyway: Challah French Toast. Still needing to make up for my guilt at taking over Nora’s living room, I told her to pick out a breakfast recipe from the book. She chose challah French toast, of which I wholeheartedly approved. If you saw the picture Gwyneth put next to the recipe, you’d be salivating, too. And I knew the quality of the challah was of the utmost important in this recipe, so we set off to the Chelsea Market in search of high-quality challah. Continue reading


Filed under Breakfast

Roommate-Wooing With Gwyneth

Apartment-hunting in New York City is serious business, practically a full-time job in itself. I’ve heard from friends tales of going to see a prospective sublet, only to find themselves walking up the stairs behind someone toting a checkbook, ready to sign over a deposit on the spot. Before I even arrived in the city I had already experienced a taste of this failure, as two very promising apartments both fell apart over my two-day drive from Portland to Wisconsin. It seemed every time my phone buzzed, it was reporting more bad news. Despondent and prospectless as I arrived in the city last week, I spent hours laboring over my standard email response to Craigslist ads, hoping I could present myself and my dog as two witty, lovable cads no self-respecting roommates could ever pass by. And my work paid off, as I heard back from the vast majority of ads I responded to, but after hearing from one respondent that I was one of EIGHTY potential roommates, I knew I needed a secret weapon. Enter Gwyneth and her Mutti’s Pecan Butterballs. Continue reading


Filed under Desserts