Category Archives: Holidays

Easter Brunch!!!!!

Obviously, the main point of Easter is brunch. Right? That’s what the big deal about Easter is? And what better way to celebrate the day Jesus drove all the rabbits out of Scotland than to cook some Gwyneth Paltrow brunch recipes!

I invited somewhere between four and fifteen friends to my place for Easter morning for a totally Gwyneth brunch, so I knew there could be no fucking this up. THE EYES OF THE WORLD WERE UPON ME. The brunch was scheduled at 1 (we tend to be a lazy group), but I had to get started at 8 am. What else would you expect from Gwyneth? As a result, I excused myself relatively early on Saturday night and set my alarm. Yes, this brunch was serious business. Continue reading



Filed under Breakfast, Holidays

How To Look Skinny on Valentine’s Day

It’s Valentine’s Day, and what’s the most important thing on Valentine’s Day? Say it with me: Being thin! That’s right, very good. So last night I made Spaghetti LimoneParmeggiano, which is a fancy way to say noodles with lemon juice! GREAT! It’s basically like eating NOTHING, so now today I’m starving and miserable and VERY thin, which everyone knows is better than being happy.

(I should also point out the elephant in the room: We’ve passed the 9-month deadline I set for myself. WHOOPS. Looks like I failed. If that bothers you, you’re free to find another blog where they’re cooking all of Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipes for no reason. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU. Missed deadline aside, I won’t stop cooking, because I will not be satisfied until I’ve completed all these recipes or we’re all dead. Whichever comes first, although I think the latter might actually be preferable. My move to New York has obviously derailed things, but I’ll keep trucking along, for the two of you who are still reading and aren’t my parents. Anyway, let’s DO THIS.) Continue reading


Filed under Holidays, Pasta

Being Thankful for Gwyneth

I have returned from Wisconsin, dog in tow, and I could not be happier to have this whole moving process finally, finally completed. But anyway, we can talk about that later. Let’s talk about Thanksgiving!

It goes without saying that, when in the middle of a year-long cooking project, the one day you absolute MUST cook on is Thanksgiving. I feel like that’s in the Constitution somewhere. So before I left New York, I picked out a couple Gwyneth side dishes to contribute to our enormous family meal, relishing the idea of force-feeding my health-food-phobic family Brussels sprouts. If you recall, the last time I cooked for my family, I made cheesy stuffed burgers. This time, I wasn’t going to take it so easy on them. Continue reading


Filed under Holidays, Sides

Burgers & Orcas

Oh, boy. We have a lot to cover. My family was here for the past week, for a whirlwind tour of Portland, Seattle (although I wasn’t present for that portion), and a five-day stay on the San Juan Islands, all the way up in practically Canada. Somewhere in there, I found time to cook two Gwyneth recipes for these unsuspecting fools, and it wasn’t totally awful! Even after the grease fire.

Continue reading


Filed under Burgers & Sandwiches, Holidays, Sides

Another Vacation?

Believe it or not, the time has come for another delay from the Danny/Gwyneth Project. But! It’s not as bad as my Italy trip, I promise. You see, several plane- and train-loads of family members are about to descend upon Portland for a whirlwind 10-day tour of the Pacific Northwest. We’ll be all over the place on the weekends, but will be, for the most part, concentrated together in a rented house up in the San Juan Islands next week.

And, you see, this is where the Project comes in: My sadomasochistic family members have requested I make something of Gwyneth’s for them, so I won’t really be taking all this time off as a vacation. There WILL be cooking. (On the plus side, I think I can force my parents to pay for the ingredients. Lobster grilling it is!) I haven’t totally decided what to make for them yet, and it will probably depend on what sort of cooking equipment we’re faced with when we arrive at the rental house. I also haven’t decided how horrible I want to be to them. Do I try to impress them with a delicious-sounding meal, or do I force them to dine on one of Gwyneth’s more intimidatingly strange meals? I suppose we’ll find out.

So, enjoy the weekend, and expect to hear from me at some point next week, hopefully with stories of family mayhem and cooking gone wrong.

(On a related note, anyone in Portland want to watch my dog? For some reason, all the kennels are either booked or require absurdly extensive “evaluation” time with the dog before they’re allowed to stay overnight. I have no idea what these “evaluation” sessions are like, but my dog is sure to fail most of their tests. So, uh… no idea what I’m going to do with him. Sell him, maybe?)


Filed under Holidays, Non-Gwyneth

Tequila, Coleslaw, and Gwyneth: The Perfect Birthday Weekend

Well, that was a birthday weekend. And somewhere in there, I actually found the time to complete two recipes! They both barely count as recipes, but so does about 50% of this book, so let’s take what we can get.

On Friday, I was let out of work at noon in honor of my birthday, and, not two minutes after leaving the office, I was in a liquor store. Gwyneth DEMANDED that I buy the highest quality tequila, but I wasn’t willing to spend upwards of $60 on a bottle of tequila (arguably my least-favorite liquor), so I got some 1800 and decided that was good enough. Continue reading


Filed under Desserts, Holidays, Sides

Mac & Cheese & Birthdays

Looking into various options for duck yesterday had me nervously eyeing my bank account, so I wanted to cook something cheap and easy for dinner. Paging through the cookbook, I realized Gwyneth’s Macaroni & Cheese recipe included mascarpone, which I had a tub of sitting in the fridge from my ravioli disaster. I have no idea what else to do with mascarpone, so this seemed like kismet.

Gwyneth offers up four different ways to cook your Mac & Cheese, but they’re not that different. I mean, three of the four “variations” are just adding a different cheese. Not that exciting. But we’re not going for exciting today; we’re going for CHEAP. I decided to mix two of her “variations,” which she suggest go well together – adding mozzarella, and adding her Basic Tomato Sauce. Which means I’m actually accomplishing two recipes! I really feel like I’m cheating here. Continue reading


Filed under Basics, Holidays, Pasta