Category Archives: Gwyneth Miscellania

Gwyneth Takes Venice!

All my cooking plans have been thrown out the window in lieu of camping this weekend (if you never hear from me again, I’ve been eaten by a bear), but I have some even worse news for you: Gwyneth is preparing a second cookbook (thanks a lot for alerting me to this disaster, Marie). NOOOOOOOOOOO. I can’t keep doing this crap forever! It will destroy me. I’m feeling very despondent today, people.

The first rule of Gwyneth Paltrow News is that it always comes in threes, which means it’s time for the newest issue of GOOP! Hooray! And even better, it’s a travel blog from Gwyneth’s trip to Venice! How great! Let’s see what she was up to. Fingers crossed she fell in a canal, too. Continue reading

11 Comments

Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania, Italy

Death to the Timetable!

Good lord, I am just awful at blogging. Just the worst. I wish the reason for my absence was something exciting. For example, perhaps I’ve been in New York, meeting with producers and casting the leads for “Danny & Gwyneth.” Or maybe I had gone undercover for the tell-all book I’m writing, exposing the secrets of a cult. But really, the reason for the lack of updates is that I’ve had various other people cooking fantastic meals for me the last few days, so I haven’t had to do a lick of work in the kitchen since before the weekend. (These meals have included, but have not been limited to: pulled pork tacos from Kevin, Martha Stewart-inspired lemon roast chicken from Sam, burgers from Kevin again, and a really, really ridiculously good pancake with berry compote and sausage, egg, and grits souffle brunch courtesy of Lindsey). Which is great for me! But terrible for the blog. Continue reading

6 Comments

Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania

The Return of the Project

So, I still have to post my fourth and final dispatch from Italy (I’m waiting to steal some pictures, because I apparently just stop taking photographs halfway through the trip), but in the meantime, shall we resume the Danny/Gwyneth Project? Since we’ve been off-topic for, like, 100 years?

I actually “cooked” a “recipe” last night. But it’s a re-do, because Sam requested more Margarita Granita this weekend, so I whipped those up and threw them in the freezer, to enjoy after work. I’m willing to bet you anything that, once this project is completed, the recipe I make more than any other is the granita. I don’t want to think about what this says about me or my drinking habits.

I had also planned on cooking something tonight, something small, to ease me back on the wagon, but even the simplest of recipes call for the strangest ingredients, and I couldn’t find them all on my grocery run. So, I will need to do some hunting this weekend, I’m sure. Ah, yes. This is the Project I’m remembering. To quote Inspector Clouseau, “It’s all coming back to me.” What a nightmare.

BUT! You can help me with this nightmare! Now’s your chance to influence the Danny/Gwyneth Project. Below are some options of what I should cook next, which YOU can vote on in the comments. (Small print: I reserve the right to not listen to any of you, if the ingredients prove too impossible to procure. Cooking will most likely occur on Sunday.)

Anyway, here are some options, off the top of my head, because I don’t have the book in front of me (feel free to write-in your own candidates if I’ve forgotten something you’ve particularly been wanting to see). Please, have pity on me.

  • Duck Ragu
  • Tuna & Ginger Burgers
  • Turkey Bolognese
  • Fish Tacos
  • Grilled Lobster or something
  • Brisket

So, there we go. Some choices that I pulled out of thin air. I thought of a few more, but vetoed them on account of the recipes requiring duck bacon, which needs to be shipped to me, and D’Artagnan doesn’t deliver on the weekends. Anyway, vote away in the comments!

And, on an unrelated note, a new food blog has been born (because we need more of those, right?)! Well, kind of born. It’s more of a preemie baby right now. But a lot of funny people are getting together to write about dumb foods, so you should probably follow us on Twitter until the website actually, like, debuts. (And, while you’re at it, why not follow me on Twitter, too?)

20 Comments

Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania

The Great Bacon Taste-Off

This weekend’s experiment in duck bacon was not nearly the monumental experience I had hoped for, after over a month of agonizing over the difficulties of obtaining the ingredient. It was like losing my virginity, but only after receiving a numbing shot of Novocain straight to my penis. (Yikes, probably best to just stop reading here, Grandma.) I couldn’t even be sure I knew what duck bacon tasted like, as the only sample I got was mixed in with a pot of other ingredients.

So a bacon taste-test was in order! This stuff is so expensive and hard-to-find? Let’s see how it matches up to other kinds of bacon, more readily accessible but therefore less special. To see how it stacked up, read on. Continue reading

12 Comments

Filed under Basics, Gwyneth Miscellania

STRIKE THAT, REVERSE IT

GUYS. IMPORTANT UPDATE TO THE LAST BLOG POST THAT WAS SUPER BORING AND PLEASE JUST SERIOUSLY SKIP IT FOR YOUR OWN SAKE:

I FINALLY MANAGED TO CONVINCE D’ARTAGNAN TO ACCEPT MY CREDIT CARD AND I NOW HAVE LITERALLY $100 WORTH OF DUCK BACON COMING TO MY DOORSTEP.

That is all.

14 Comments

Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania

Googling Myself

I didn’t do any cooking last night. I worked out and then spent the rest of the evening splayed out on the couch, either reading or watching TV or both. It was fantastic. But tonight I’ll be attempting a recipe (or two, I guess, since Gwyneth is so good at splitting recipes up so they count for more than one. Which makes both our jobs easier, frankly). Which means, as far as today is concerned, I have nothing interesting to report.

But I would like to take a moment to say that my favorite part of this blog (aside from all of you, of course) is getting to see what Google searches end up leading people here. Here are some of my favorites:

  • gwyneth paltrow spain obnoxious
  • blythe danner grandma?
  • how to keep homemade ravioli fresh till you use it
  • julie powell [Yes! Poached one of her fans!]
  • cardboard desks
  • where to buy vegenaise in london [Oh boy, I feel your pain.]
  • cannot find duck bacon – can i use pork bacon
  • gwinneth & pizza! enjoy! [This is my absolute favorite. Who Googles like this?]
  • duck bacon in portland or [Is there a fellow Portlander seeking duck bacon out there? Contact me! Let’s work together!]
  • danny and hwyneth [There are about a million variations on her name, but this is my favorite.]
  • gwyneth smug

I think that sums up the Project nicely.

7 Comments

Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania, Non-Gwyneth

Fuck Duck Bacon

The hoops I’m jumping through to try to purchase some duck bacon have hit ridiculous levels. I bit the bullet and decided to just order some fucking duck bacon from D’Artagnan, figuring I would buy it in bulk and only pay the ridiculous shipping cost once (ideally). I won’t say how much the total came to, because it was NAUSEATING. And then when the time came to pay, I discovered that, for whatever reason, D’Artagnan WON’T ACCEPT EITHER OF MY CARDS.

So now, what do you do when the psychopathic celebrity you’re taking instructions from demands you cook multiple recipes involving a highly specific and rare ingredient that can basically only be found through one company, except that company has decided your bank is not important enough to accept payments from?

I am at a loss. And today, I am hating Gwyneth probably more than I ever have. Who in their right mind authors a cookbook with DUCK BACON, an ingredient almost no one has fucking heard of, as one of the most-used ingredients in the book? It’s just ridiculous. I’ve hit the lowest point of the Project thus far. The duck bacon hunt continues, but not today because I need a fucking break.

This concludes my crankiest blog post yet.

29 Comments

Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania