Category Archives: Burgers & Sandwiches

A BLT Recipe? A BLT Recipe.

Oh boy, have I fallen behind on blogging. But not cooking! Fear not! So let’s do some catch-up. I made a big meal on Saturday for friends, but that’s going to be a much longer, more-involved post, so in the meantime, let’s just get Turkey BLTs out of the way.

Really, this recipe is a perfect example of the idiocy of this cookbook. What is this nonsense? Why is it in a cookbook? Do people really not know how to make BLTs and they need Gwyneth Paltrow to tell them? The recipe for a BLT is almost literally the entire name of the sandwich. Tell any halfwit “please make me a turkey BLT” and you will get a rough approximation of this recipe. Here’s what I mean: Continue reading



Filed under Burgers & Sandwiches

Oh Heyyyyyy, Guys

Guys! Remember when I used to run a blog? Haha, just kidding, no one remembers that. That was way back in 2011! And now it’s 2012, which means it’s time for some HONESTY: My move to New York has tried its hardest to derail this project. This city is a very demanding mistress. (Did you know there’s stuff going on here ALL THE TIME? And that it’s VERY HARD TO SAY NO TO ANY OF IT? I’m pretty sure my dog starved to death 10 days ago, can someone go to my house and check on him, please? I’ll just be at this comedy show tonight.) But, fear not, I will keep at this nightmare of a project until either I’m dead, or all of us are. Anyway, I made some stuff!

One recent weekend, I woke up and decided that pancakes were NECESSARY. Thankfully, Gwyneth provides me with two pancake recipes! One of them, however, requires you to make the batter the night before (naturally), so instead I went with the very literally named Morning Pancakes. Unfortunately, my camera battery wasn’t charged, so I don’t have any pictures. You know what pancakes look like, though, right? That’s what these looked like. I don’t think any of us are missing out on anything here. Continue reading


Filed under Breakfast, Burgers & Sandwiches

Oyster Po’Boys: Served With a Side of GUNFIRE

My dear friend and original Portland roommate Ali was in town this weekend, which is always a sure cause for lots of mayhem. And yes, lots of stuff did happen, and I won’t get into that because this is a family blog, but I’m going to blame her for all the bad decisions made. ANYWAY, Ali is a famewhore, and she knows the key to getting famous is to appear on this blog, so she requested a meal in her honor. I let her page through the sacred cookbook and pick out whatever she wanted me to make, and she, ever the New York Jew, chose the recipe with oysters: Oyster Po’Boys, to be specific. So Saturday night, we brought New Orleans to Portland (the gunfight outside on the street certainly added to the feeling that we were in the Lower 9th Ward; more on that later). Continue reading


Filed under Burgers & Sandwiches

Burgers & Orcas

Oh, boy. We have a lot to cover. My family was here for the past week, for a whirlwind tour of Portland, Seattle (although I wasn’t present for that portion), and a five-day stay on the San Juan Islands, all the way up in practically Canada. Somewhere in there, I found time to cook two Gwyneth recipes for these unsuspecting fools, and it wasn’t totally awful! Even after the grease fire.

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Filed under Burgers & Sandwiches, Holidays, Sides

No Fishy Business

Guys! I almost forgot to post this today! Crisis averted, though. We can now move on with our regularly scheduled weekends. Is it hot where you are? Everyone seems to be complaining about how hot it is outside, but none of us in Portland have any idea what you’re even talking about, since we’re all basically wearing sweaters through July. ENOUGH SMALL TALK. Let’s talk Grilled Tuna Rolls.

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Filed under Burgers & Sandwiches

Good Morning, Vietnam(ese Prawn Sandwiches)!

Yesterday’s experiment in homemade sriracha wasn’t simply a fun way to see how long you can make your hands feel like they’re on fire; it was actually part of a much longer, much more complicated culinary ordeal, courtesy of Gwyneth (sidenote: did you know Gwyneth is on Twitter now? Say hi to her! Also, thanks to everyone who immediately alerted me. When you get a ton of emails about something as banal as Gwyneth Paltrow joining Twitter, you really start to question the choices you’ve made in life). Anyway: Friday evening was devoted to Vietnamese Prawn Sandwiches.

I don’t know what makes these sandwiches Vietnamese (soy sauce and pickled carrots, I guess?), but Gwyneth says they are, so THEY ARE. No more questions! The first step is to spend two hours making homemade sriracha. Yiiiikes. Of course, you can do this in advance, but if, like me, you haven’t made any homemade sriracha yet, this means you will be spending nearly four hours on a fucking sandwich. These better be good, right? Continue reading


Filed under Asian, Burgers & Sandwiches