How To Look Skinny on Valentine’s Day

It’s Valentine’s Day, and what’s the most important thing on Valentine’s Day? Say it with me: Being thin! That’s right, very good. So last night I made Spaghetti LimoneParmeggiano, which is a fancy way to say noodles with lemon juice! GREAT! It’s basically like eating NOTHING, so now today I’m starving and miserable and VERY thin, which everyone knows is better than being happy.

(I should also point out the elephant in the room: We’ve passed the 9-month deadline I set for myself. WHOOPS. Looks like I failed. If that bothers you, you’re free to find another blog where they’re cooking all of Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipes for no reason. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU. Missed deadline aside, I won’t stop cooking, because I will not be satisfied until I’ve completed all these recipes or we’re all dead. Whichever comes first, although I think the latter might actually be preferable. My move to New York has obviously derailed things, but I’ll keep trucking along, for the two of you who are still reading and aren’t my parents. Anyway, let’s DO THIS.)

This lemon spaghetti is so stupidly easy. Boil water. Cook pasta. (I didn’t have any spaghetti, but I have somehow acquired many, many boxes of other kinds of pasta, so I just used one of those boxes instead. I think I used fusilli? I don’t know. Something goofy-looking. To trick myself into thinking I was enjoying this.) Meanwhile, zest a lemon, slice it in half, and squeeze the lemon juice into the same bowl as the lemon zest. Then grate a shitload of Parmesan cheese. Add some salt, pepper, and olive oil, until you have a “wet paste,” which is a disgusting way to talk about something you’re going to eat.

This is what it looks like when you put lemon juice and basil in pasta.

Throw in a couple tablespoons of pasta water, and add the cooked noodles to your bowl. Mix the stuff until each noodle is coated with the cheesy, lemony mixture, and roughly tear in some fresh basil leaves. Eat with some sort of a salad and wine, and go to bed starving and half-drunk off of only one glass of wine. If this is what it takes to look like Gwyneth Paltrow, it sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

At the Grammys, Gwyneth Paltrow was so starving she thought Adele was a leg of lamb in a dress.

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15 Comments

Filed under Holidays, Pasta

15 responses to “How To Look Skinny on Valentine’s Day

  1. Avonasea

    I just left a comment asking for a new post less than 30 minutes ago and BAM, here it is! Nice work.

    Speaking of nutrition…I am doing spirulina smoothies for breakfast these days. The concoction is Extremely green- imagine lush, freshly-watered grass kind of green. It is slightly disturbing to be honest. This “elixir” makes me think of the Gwyneth-types (and Rene Russo’s character in The Thomas Crown Affair) and their interesting dietary choices.

    • Alex

      Daniela, stop trying to make the whole world eat spirulina! Lol.

      Love the blog, Danny.

      • Avonasea

        @Alex – so despite my clever pseudonym you knew it’s me, eh..the spirulina talk gave me away didn’t it…why must you be so smart.

        @Danny – going to be in NYC June 14-17 lollygagging about town while my husband attends some conference . Would love to meet you, buy you lunch and convince you, for everyone’s sake here, to cook & post more often. Plus, I could benefit from a couple of restaurant recommendations. You must have uncovered some hidden gems by now…

        D.

  2. Clair

    “…for the two of you who are still reading and aren’t my parents.”

    Thanks for the shout out!

  3. Maria Polonchek

    OK, Danny. I’ve subscribed to your bog since its inception. Time to return the favor, my friend.
    http://www.writingbetweenfriends.com

    Go eat something!

  4. Minnesota Mom

    You haven’t forgotten your fan base after all! I think this pasta sounds pretty good! And all the better if it makes me skinny! LOVE YOU AND YOUR BLOG! I’LL STAY WITH YOU TO THE BITTER END!

  5. Cortney

    I’ll be here, too! I think that makes three of us! 🙂
    LOVE this blog. And I think I may have invented that pasta one day when I had only pasta, a lemon and parm in the house. It was kinda a sad day. I guess that means I should write a cookbook?

  6. Your dad

    Nice assumption that Mom and I are still reading……. Although I will say, that although I always enjoy a new post, I’d rather you spend time on the work that you get paid for than this – so in some odd way, kind of makes me happy when I don’t see a post (although could just be excess bar time too).

  7. alzor

    What a SNEAKY Valentine’s Day trick, telling everyone that pasta and cheese make you skinny. Who believed this? Besides me. Sorry to every person who bought this lie, carbo-loaded like I did and are now fat while Danny was secretly eating only spinach.

  8. fd

    I am still reading and I don’t believe we are related, but you never know.

    Really, flavoring plain pasta with lemon, parmesan and basil is a recipe? Really? Should I throw out my Marcella Hazan and just focus on mastering Gwyneth’s pasta recipes?

  9. I may be crazy, but the recipe sounds good. I love pasta, so I’m going to try this one day.

  10. grandmom

    Simple and tasty – my kind of recipe. I finally! made your brussle sprout dish from Thanksgiving that I loved, and I think they’d go great with this pasta dish – red Italian wine to accompany it, of course. Love ‘ya, no matter what you cook or eat or drink – you are the best!! xxx gm

  11. Holy crap that picture. That…dress? Would we call that a dress? Is there any body type that would be flattered by that? I’m sorry, I wanted to comment about your blog but I am too distracted by how horrible that thing is. Stop listening to whoever told you to wear that, Gwyneth!

  12. Nikki

    I’m still reading. Glad you are extending the project – you need another spring and summer to get some of these recipes in! I made the chicken and dumplings last night and MAN it was sooooo good. The only caveats – you need the right pan (a very wide one that has a lid and can go in the oven) and you have to cut up a whole chicken into 10 pieces. Can’t wait to see you take a crack at it.

  13. Nikki

    PS for Gwyneth’s rants on red meat did you notice her goopy hypocrisy this week? She was going on about a bike covered completely in leather…

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