All my cooking plans have been thrown out the window in lieu of camping this weekend (if you never hear from me again, I’ve been eaten by a bear), but I have some even worse news for you: Gwyneth is preparing a second cookbook (thanks a lot for alerting me to this disaster, Marie). NOOOOOOOOOOO. I can’t keep doing this crap forever! It will destroy me. I’m feeling very despondent today, people.
The first rule of Gwyneth Paltrow News is that it always comes in threes, which means it’s time for the newest issue of GOOP! Hooray! And even better, it’s a travel blog from Gwyneth’s trip to Venice! How great! Let’s see what she was up to. Fingers crossed she fell in a canal, too.
She starts out by telling us her trip to Venice to premiere Contagion was “delightfully laborious,” which is perfect because wait until you see what she had to go through while she was there. Eating lobster and posing for pictures DOES look laborious, I have to admit. She very bravely drives this point home by giving us a truly awful picture of herself. Possibly she’s actually dying of the Contagion virus? I’m worried.
Once she arrives in Venice, then the labors truly begin:
“I don’t feel ready,” she tells us, looking like this:
Things take a turn for the DRAMATIC, as an exciting paparazzi boat chase begins! Laurence Fishburne (strangely clad in what appear to be purple scrubs?) THROWS HIMSELF between the glaring photo lenses and Gwyneth’s precious visage. Which begs the question: Why is a major celebrity protecting another major celebrity from the paparazzi? Why can Laurence Fishburne be photographed at will, but Gwyneth must be protected from photos at all costs? I guess I just don’t understand Hollyweird!
The Laurence Fishburne crotch shot you’ve been waiting for.
Then there’s some fantastic humblebragging: “At the end there’s a stampede for photos and autographs that nearly knocks the table over. Calmare ragazzi!” Gwyneth remains flustered and miserable like a child:
Hey, look who’s here! Someone else famous! Hi, Matt!
The two of them conduct 12 six-minute interviews, which sounds slightly obnoxious, but not that difficult at all, and then they’re off on another fun boat ride! Then it’s the movie premiere, where there is some more slightly humblebragging, with many pictures taken from Gwyneth’s perspective, showing the hordes of adoring fans:
Being famous is the worst!
And then she turned into a ghost? I don’t know what happened here, but it’s very creepy:
“Why, hello. Welcome to my party. Can I get you a wine glass of blood?“
Gwyneth then complains about needing a “sugardaddy,” because some jewelry she wanted was too expensive. For everyone’s sake, let’s just pretend we didn’t read that.
Next thing I know, she’s having dinner at the rooftop terrace at the Hotel Danieli, the very same hotel I stayed at in Venice, and the very same rooftop terrace where we enjoyed free champagne courtesy of Ferrari! Naturally, this is VERY exciting for me. She enjoyed a lobster salad up there, and helpfully gives us the recipe, even though you need liquid nitrogen to make that stuff, which is hilariously classic Gwyneth.
Exhausted and spent after what was clearly a HIGHLY grueling trip, Gwyneth returns to the airport in the back of a boat, makeup-less, and next to, I guess, someone’s garbage bag?
The journal ends thusly:
My flight is delayed.
School run. Ouch.
Never change, Gwyneth.