No Fishy Business

Guys! I almost forgot to post this today! Crisis averted, though. We can now move on with our regularly scheduled weekends. Is it hot where you are? Everyone seems to be complaining about how hot it is outside, but none of us in Portland have any idea what you’re even talking about, since we’re all basically wearing sweaters through July. ENOUGH SMALL TALK. Let’s talk Grilled Tuna Rolls.

These rolls were so easy to make! And, even more shockingly, super cheap! The entire meal for four people cost $30, and that’s including other groceries I bought for myself, PLUS everything I needed for the (non-Gwyneth) side dish I made. Wow! What a great price! Especially when you’re cooking under Gwyneth’s despotic rule. (Although I should emphasize that I already had about half the ingredients in my pantry from other recipes, and that most people probably won’t have light agave nectar or sweet white miso paste ready and waiting in their kitchens, so that could make things a little pricier.)

Anyway, dinner needed to be ready by 8:30, and I didn’t even start cooking or anything until 8:15. Is this a new record for the Danny/Gwyneth Project? I don’t see how it couldn’t be. First, however, I should note that I went to New Seasons (a Portland-area Whole Foods, essentially), assuming they would have the best-quality tuna steaks. When I got to their seafood counter, however, I was greeted by two miniscule, oddly gray blobs of fish, next to a sign informing me that there was a “problem” at the fishery and to “cook these carefully.” And yet, these steaks were still $20. GOODBYE, NEW SEASONS. Fred Meyer saved my ass with some decent, wild-caught tuna from Indonesia, so now all we have to worry about is radiation poisoning from Fukushima! I’ll report back in 50 years on whether or not I developed cancer.

First, I preheated the grill pan on the stove. We have a grill outside, but I’m much too lazy, and it didn’t seem worth it when I would only be using the grill for 5 minutes. While it preheated I whisked together miso paste, vegetable oil, agave nectar, water, and rice wine vinegar, which gave me this sweet-smelling gooey mess in a bowl. I slathered it on the beautiful tuna steaks and slapped those babies on the grill pan. I sprinkled some sesame seeds on the top of the tuna, and that was almost all of the required cooking for this entire recipe. Less than three minutes! What the hell is even going on here?

Delicious, delicious tainted fish.

Meanwhile, I quickly whisked together some rice wine vinegar, agave nectar, soy sauce, vegetable oil, Frank’s RedHot sauce, and some sliced shallots and fresh cilantro, to make the Shallot & Cilantro Vinaigrette to top the sandwiches with. (Which I guess means I knocked out two recipes? This keeps getting better.)

After three minutes, I flipped the tuna steaks and sprinkled the cooked side with some more sesame seeds. I then toasted some hot dog buns in the oven. (Quick note: Gwyneth introduces this recipe by saying, “I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun… except hot dogs. I mean, what the heck is in those things?” With such a spot-on Jerry Seinfeld impression, is it any wonder she’s raising her kids as Jews?)

Once the tuna was adequately seared (but still rare inside), I removed the steaks to a plate and sliced them into ½-inch slices. Then, it was simply a matter of assembling the sandwiches: First, a layer of torn butter lettuce leaves. Next, the sliced tuna steaks. Spoon a good amount of the vinaigrette on top of it all, and top with some cilantro leaves. And that is that. This was so quick and easy, it was almost shocking. What is this Bizarro Gwyneth Paltrow I’ve encountered? This isn’t what we’ve come to expect at all.

Not only that, but these rolls were really good. The tuna was delicious (and I’m normally not the biggest tuna fan), and the vinaigrette was more or less perfect on top. It really, really went well with the dish, and I very quickly wolfed down two of these big sandwiches. It should be noted that I also threw together some basic roasted vegetables for a side dish, and while there were a good amount of those left over, there was absolutely no tuna remaining at the end of the meal.

The finished product, two minutes before it was completely ingested.

Well done, Gwyneth. You’ve surprised me again. YOU WIN THIS ROUND.

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2 Comments

Filed under Burgers & Sandwiches

2 responses to “No Fishy Business

  1. Nicolle

    That looks fantastic! I love the Bizarro reference!

  2. The rescuer

    This was DELICIOUS!!!

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