First of all, let’s get this out of the way: I am extremely tired. I may be dying. You see, I went to the midnight premiere of the final Harry Potter movie last night, and it was so great! Like, the movie itself was pretty good, but also it’s just fun to go to midnight premieres. Especially when they’re full of 15-year-old nerds. I also learned quite a few things about my friend Brendan, who, it turns out, is a total badass.
Firstly, we showed up at the theater with our tickets for the 12:03 showing, only to be greeted by the longest line of nerds imaginable. At least 400 nerds! For our showing alone! And there were eight other showings in that theater! So there were a LOT of people. Refusing to be disheartened, we quickly spread out and positioned ourselves in various lines, unsure of which line was actually the correct one. Brendan managed to find the 12:01 line, which was already loading into the theater, and somehow got himself near the front of it. I joined him, and the two of us presented our tickets to the teenagers tearing the stubs. My girl wasn’t even phased by my wrong ticket, and passed me through. Brendan’s kid, however, stopped him and told him he couldn’t enter yet, as he had to wait to enter with the 12:03 gang.
“Oh, no, the security guard told me I should go in,” Brendan lied. The sixteen-year-old realized he wasn’t in a position to really argue with this much older (sorry, Brendan) man, so he waved us through. We then went to our theater, which was being guarded by another 16-year-old. It was like a real-life Harry Potter adventure, with challenges and sphinxes galore!
This new 16-year-old told us we couldn’t be here this early, because the theater was still filled with people watching the end of Horrible Bosses. “Oh, but they just told us to come in and wait over here by the door,” Brendan lied again, effortlessly. Which makes me wonder: What else can Brendan be lying about?! He’s fantastic at it.
Once again, our age and confidence overpowered these weak-minded Regal employees, and we were allowed to start a new line outside the actual theater doors. Which means we had just cut in front of 300-some people, some of whom had chairs and backpacks and looked like they had been parked outside for hours (in fact, I later overheard someone say they had been there since 4 PM). Don’t these fools realize you can just show up and lie your way to the front of the line?! We felt like kings of the nerds.
I then had to get Kevin and Sam in, so Brendan held our place in our newly formed line, and I met Sam and Kevin back in the lobby, where the two teenagers were still tearing ticket stubs. I reached across and handed them their tickets, which was a rookie mistake, as it called far too much attention to us. The girl who had previously waved me through the line without looking twice at my wrong ticket now closely inspected the new tickets, and she informed them they couldn’t enter yet.
“But we’re with him. We have the same tickets,” Sam said, pointing at me, still safely on the correct side of the sacred velvet rope.
“No you don’t. He’s over there, so he’s at the 12:01 showing.”
“No, he’s not!” Sam said. “We bought our tickets with him. He’s in our showing.”
I was forced to hand over my ticket stub, and my heart caught in my throat. Were we about to be undone in this final moment, mere minutes from victory?
“How… how did you get through?” the girl asked me, looking completely baffled. I felt like I had just pulled of an Ocean’s 11-sized heist.
“You waved me through!” I cheerfully told her, the subtext being: Don’t fuck with me, or you’re going down with me.
Naturally, she allowed Kevin and Sam to pass through, as well. And that is how we secured the best seats in the house. Take THAT, nerds!
As we settled into our seats, Brendan removed a Sprite bottle filled with wine from his pocket. Once again, Brendan proves his total badassness.
Even better? He didn’t even waste the money on a new bottle. Before we left, he apparently dug an empty Sprite bottle out of our recycling and stole a new bottle cap from an unpurchased Sprite bottle at a convenience store. Clearly, Brendan is not to be trifled with.
Anyway, thanks for filling out my survey yesterday, folks! A lot of you filled it out! Which is crazy, because the survey was kind of dumb and pointless. But thanks! Unfortunately, I should have realized that any service endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow must come with an expensive catch, and SurveyMonkey is no different: If your survey gets more than 100 responses, you have to pay to see anything beyond the most recent 100. Which I’m just not willing to do, of course. So, you actually get punished if you filled it out first. Whoops! If you had any particularly witty comments you feel I didn’t see, feel free to leave them in the comments below for self-bragging purposes. No point in letting your jokes go to waste!
Here are some facts about you (or… 100 of you):
- One of you supposedly found me because, “It was written on the women’s bathroom wall @ Comic Con.” If this isn’t a joke, SOMEONE PLEASE SEND ME PROOF. No joke, this would be the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
- 3.2% of you read me on the toilet. Follow-up question: #1 or #2?
- 4 of you visit me “never.” Then how did you find this survey, JERKS?
- 5% of you visit me for outfit tips, naturally. A staggering(ly low) 21% of you are in love with me.
- 51% of you cook every day. Well done! One of you never cooks. BOOOOOO.
- 4.7% of you are morons and will buy Gwyneth’s book. One of you rightfully complained, “Its fucking 4 million dollars. Fuck her.”
- Almost all of you are between the ages of 21-35. Let’s totally hook up!
- One of you is either transgender or making a terrible joke. Let’s hope it’s the former! Also, one of you simply wrote under gender, “I’m very beautiful.” Very classy and discreet.
- I count visitors from 26 states, two Canadian provinces, and various foreign-sounding… areas? States? Provinces? I don’t know what the rest of the world has. Anyway, exciting!
- The majority of you are from the US and Canada.
- People from the US, when asked to write in their country, LOVE writing, “USA! USA! USA!”
- People from Canada, when asked to write in their country, very politely respond, “Canada.” Sometimes even with the period! Adorable.
- One of you is from Zimbabwe (“Really,” you assured me). One of you just returned from West Africa. We’ve got a few Europeans, someone from Singapore, someone from Malaysia, a couple Latin Americans, and someone who seemed confused by the question and just entered their zip code.
And that is that. So, what did we learn? First of all, free surveys are terribly inaccurate and almost virtually useless. GREAT. Secondly, and probably more importantly, y’all are so diverse! Get to know each other in the comments! I want a Danny/Gwyneth Project-inspired marriage and/or baby over the weekend. GET ON THAT.