I Didn’t Expect Today’s Post To Be About Homosexuality, Either

Oh, boy. What a week. First I finally place an order for duck bacon (only to realize that I didn’t order NEARLY enough, so now I’m going to have to go through all that again in the future) — which should be arriving tomorrow, patient readers. And then the new GOOP comes out and it has THIS headline: “Homosexuality in the Bible.”

Ummmmm. Let’s look into this a little more closely.

Wait, what? Why is Gwyneth writing to me about this? She starts by talking about the gay suicides, and then tells us how Apple (Apple! Maybe we should look into what the Bible says about baby names?) came home from school one day and said a friend has two mommies. “Two mommies?” Gwyneth (reportedly) responded. “How lucky is she?!” Oh, brother. Gwyneth then asks her readers, “What does it actually say in the bible that will cause some people to be upset by my line of thinking?”

Haha. “My line of thinking.” Supporting gay rights is now owned by Gwyneth Paltrow.

She then gives us three opinions from a few religious leaders in support of gay marriage (which I didn’t read, because Bible words put me to sleep) and then, absurdly, gives us the opinion of one Dr. John Stott, who concludes, “Here, then, are three truths which Jesus affirmed: (1) heterosexual gender is a divine creation; (2) heterosexual marriage is a divine institution; and (3) heterosexual fidelity is the divine intention. A homosexual liaison is a breach of all three of these divine purposes.” Thanks, pal. Get out of here. Thankfully, Gwyneth includes a disclaimer before Dr. Stott’s testimony: “*Note: We wanted to include as many perspectives as possible on this issue and so we are also including a more conservative voice here below.”

Okay, what is even going on anymore? First of all, I appreciate the fact that Gwyneth is willing to look at and display both sides of the argument, but I do find the idea of Gwyneth including Dr. Stott’s testimony to be pretty hilarious. I mean, I just love the image of Gwyneth demanding to her ghost writers, “NO. We can’t have only the opinions of people in FAVOR of gay rights. People come to GOOP for fair, unbiased reporting. If we don’t hold ourselves to the highest journalistic standards, gentlemen, then WHO WILL?” Start clearing space on your mantel for your Pulitzer, I’m sure.

Also, who is Gwyneth’s audience for this post? Are there many, like, Neo-Nazis or Westboro Baptist Church members subscribing to GOOP? I highly doubt it. “I love cheese plates and wood-fired pizzas on the terrace, but I hate fags,” is something NO ONE HAS EVER SAID.

I mean, don’t get me wrong: I appreciate Gwyneth using her celebrity to press an important issue, but, is this going to do anything to actually help? Again, proooobably not many bigots subscribing to GOOP, let alone caring about what Gwyneth Paltrow ever says or does. If she wants to do something to REALLY help, maybe she should contribute some of her billions to gay-friendly organizations, like, for example, her local London Lesbian & Gay Switchboard. Or if she wants to go even further, she could stop tearing down her neighbors’ houses to build new wings for her manor, and instead turn one of the buildings into a shelter for runaway or homeless gay youth. Or she could use her celebrity to pressure Congress or the President to be more supportive of gay rights. Or she could, at the very least, not just educate Apple about gay rights (because I’m sure Apple is in no danger of becoming a bigot anytime soon) but could, for example, run workshops in London for elementary school kids, teaching them about tolerance (although, let’s be fair, the Internet would totally jump all over her for doing something like this). All I’m saying is, if she wants to help and really cares about it, maybe she should be more proactive than paying someone to write a paragraph for GOOP and then having someone interview four random religious scholars.

Anyway, sorry for talking politics and religion over the dinner table or whatever, but this was too bizarre for me to ignore. Let’s hope the next GOOP gives us Moses’s thoughts on a two-state solution to the Israel/Palestine conflict.

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22 Comments

Filed under GOOP

22 responses to “I Didn’t Expect Today’s Post To Be About Homosexuality, Either

  1. Betsy

    “Also, who is Gwyneth’s audience for this post? Are there many, like, Neo-Nazis or Westboro Baptist Church members subscribing to GOOP? I highly doubt it. “I love cheese plates and wood-fired pizzas on the terrace, but I hate fags,” is something NO ONE HAS EVER SAID.”
    Couldn’t agree more! Thanks for the laugh about perspective, audience, and balanced reporting. Now back to your regularly schedule fashion recommendation!

  2. Oldest and Wisest Sister

    Stop writing about food. This was hilarious.

  3. getoveryourself

    Or maybe you could do those things youself and stop suggesting what she should do with Her money. How do you know if she doesn’t support those organizations already? She supports many others, even opened a cancer center for those in need of help. For someone you can’t stand you fill your days thinking about her and Everthing she does,need help?

    • Steve

      getoveryourself’s last sentence would have packed so much more angry punch if he or she took a moment to craft it better. He or she so wanted to leave with a lasting “boo-yah,” as it were, but the poor sentence structure and lack of commas completely take away any oomph that was intended.

      Kids – gay or straight – let this be a lesson to you. Never let your myopic stupidity cloud grammar and sentence rules.

    • Geoff

      getoveryourself,
      “For someone you can’t stand you fill your days thinking about her and Everthing she does,need help?”
      Valid points, but this is blog for hilarity and food. Maybe you need to follow your own advice… and fix your grammar?

    • Freddie

      but not for GAY cancer!

    • Okay, yikes. This probably calls for a “relax.” I mean, that goes without saying, obviously. You know, we’re all here to have a good time and make some jokes about someone who can definitely stand the heat. On the .0001% chance (this is an accurate scientific number) Gwyneth has even HEARD of this project, let alone read it, I’m sure she hasn’t lost a wink of sleep over it. She is fine, she has tough skin (see: calling her own grandmother a cunt), I don’t think we need to worry about her.

      On that note, I will be employing “sarcasm” on this blog from time to time. I realize no one knows who the hell I am or what my writing style is like, so I won’t hold your misinterpretation against you. JUST THIS ONCE. But, for future reference (please subscribe, getoveryourself! You are a valued reader!), there will be sarcasm. Some of it will be used to make fun of Gwyneth Paltrow, even! And I won’t be providing CliffsNotes for people who don’t get it.

      But, since this is such a sensitive issue, I guess I’ll give you the CliffsNotes just this one time: Practically the only sincere sentence in this post was, “I mean, don’t get me wrong: I appreciate Gwyneth using her celebrity to press an important issue, but, is this going to do anything to actually help?” I actually meant that when I said it! I really do appreciate Gwyneth doing anything to help a very worthy cause. It’s much better than just being rich and famous and not giving back to anyone ever! But, also, it seemed a little halfhearted, no? Like, I just wish there could have been something more to it than, “These people say gay people are fine. But THIS guy says gay people are terrible. Opinions sure are different, huh?” That’s all I’m saying: Thanks for being interested in helping people, Gwyneth, and here are some ways you can do even MORE to help, considering you have resources most of the rest of the planet doesn’t have available. But, if this is all she does end up doing to help fight for gay rights, then I’m certainly not going to hold it against her, and writing this pro-gay GOOP is definitely better than simply staying silent. You are right, you can’t fight for every cause. But you can’t blame me for trying to push her to help.

      And on that note, getoveryourself, if you want to give me the money required to “do those things yourself” and knock down my neighbors’ house so I can set up a homeless shelter for gay kids, I would be VERY happy to do so. Just let me know!

      • Clair

        Gwen called her grandmother a C U N Tuesday? How did I miss this? My grandmother (mom’s mom) was a bitch. She didn’t like me for the simple fact that she didn’t like girls, she only liked boys. Can you imagine my bewilderment at about age 6 when I couldn’t figure out why she loved my three brothers but didn’t like me? Years later I finally asked my mom about it and she filled me in.

  4. Mikki

    funny post, keep it up. really enjoying finding new posts of yours in my reader. also the person above perhaps needs to chill out a little. or has perhaps said the phrase you mentioned above…

  5. Aparna E.

    Definitely an interesting read! I like that she showed both sides of the story or whatever. I don’t know her political opinion or know enough about what she stands for, but I at least appreciate she showed both sides. Who knows what kind of audience she has. I know people super right-wing who love her in her movies and loves what she stands for being a mother of two, working mom, humanitarian, blah blah blah. However, I find it odd that such an article would be on her web site at all…

    Either way, I enjoyed your perspective on it 🙂 Keep it up!

  6. Sam

    OMG, Danny! Is that guy your first hater?

  7. Laurie

    Love it when celebs have opinions. It’s so cute 🙂

  8. Dad

    So, although your mom and two sisters have posted comments many times on this blog, I’ve been waiting for the right moment to finally post a comment. And to paraphrase “I bet you didn’t expect this to be the post your Dad would comment on, either!” So my comments are about getoveryourself’s comment – did she/he really mean to capitalize “Her” in the first sentence, or just a Freudian slip? Since none of your other fans seem to have caught it (although they were defending you), just thought I’d point out that your first hater appears to have a little God complex about Gwyneth. That’s it, back to silence – I’m only here to read and enjoy and defend you when necessary (which you usually don’t seem to need!).

  9. honeybunny

    Two milestones in one post – first hater and first Dad post.
    You’ve had a busy day Danny.

    hb

  10. Your dad seems really cool.

  11. EB

    Dad and getoveryourself have spoken….it’s “Her” and “She” from now on (in my mind).

  12. chick110

    Yeah, still not much love for Gwynnie yet. Keep up the good work!! I really don’t want to have something to start liking her for… 😉

    • grandmom

      My! did GP really! call her own grandmother a c…! Even if I were or would ever be mean to you, favorite grandson, which, of course is impossible – I’d rather get food poisoning from duck fat than be fed a statement like that. Maybe we need to hear from her grandmom, since GP is so much into “both sides of the story”. Love how you mix politics with food!

  13. Katie

    Just to let you know, there is at least one wood-fired-pizza-and-cheese-plate-eating unbigoted right-wing Christian Conservative nutso who enjoys reading your blog, and who also concurs with Dr. Stott’s testimony about what the Bible says. I don’t hate anyone, but I also don’t agree with all of the choices people make. It IS possible for people on the left and the right to have more in common than you seem to think possible. Anyhow, keep up the great blog. I’ve been getting caught up since giving birth to my son a few weeks ago, and have really had some much needed laughs today. Thanks!

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