The Fourth Week Slump

Guys, I’ve been awful this week at cooking. Just miserable. I’m sorry. We’re almost at the one-month point, and I’ve hit a wall. I know it’s bad when my friend Ali harasses me to “knock some recipes out,” when I know she doesn’t even CARE about this project. I don’t even have any decent excuses, is the worst part. But that won’t stop me from trying to come up with some: I’m frustrated at the impossibility of locating half the ingredients now that I’ve completed most of the easy recipes; twice this week I’ve come home from work to a roommate cooking something for me, giving me the luxury of not having to do anything; and also I’m just really, really lazy.

I don’t really want to go into the trials and tribulations of duck bacon so much AGAIN, because who wants to read two posts in a row about duck bacon? Let’s just say it’s still not going well, but I will be doing my damndest this weekend to try to hunt some down. Many commenters have suggested settling for pork or even turkey bacon (except for the LUNATIC who suggested I make my own duck bacon – you, sir, are almost as sadistic as Gwyneth). I’m torn on the matter of Bacon Substitution. On the one hand, Gwyneth does say pork and turkey are suitable alternatives to duck bacon. On the other hand, I don’t want to settle. The recipes are written for duck bacon, and I want to try them as close to the original recipes as possible. Plus, let’s admit it, no one wants to read about a guy who goes shopping at one grocery store, gets everything he needs, and makes a mediocre dish. I’m torturing myself for the sake of your entertainment. Or at least that’s what I’ll be screaming from a straightjacket in a couple months.

But the good news is that I finally got my birthday presents from my parents, and it’s a ton of cooking supplies! My mom actually went to Barnes & Noble and wrote down all the “essential tools” Gwyneth lists in the front of her cookbook, thinking she would get me a lot of them, which is awesome. And then, she said, she brought the list to a store, and no one had heard of half of the tools. So now she hates Gwyneth. GO FIGURE. Everything’s fine and dandy when you’re watching her dancing on Glee or accepting Academy Awards, but the second anyone cracks this cookbook, all goodwill flies out the window. The woman is some sort of culinary psychological torture genius.

These are dark, dark days for the Project. We’ll get out of this slump eventually. What’s that old saying? “When you fall off the blog, get back in the kitchen?” Yeah, that sounds like a real thing people say.

In the meantime, please accept my apologies and entertain yourselves with the latest GOOP, in which Gwyneth gets drunk and fucks up her own pizza recipe. It’s good to know even she has her off-weeks.



Filed under GOOP

14 responses to “The Fourth Week Slump

  1. Don’t give up!!!! Does she have anything easy (by human, non-Gwen standards) you could do?

  2. paypal is good

    time for a paypal button…. if you make one people will chip in πŸ™‚

  3. mary

    The first thing I thought when I saw the last picture on that page was, “IS GWYNETH TRYING TO DRAW PENISES IN HER LEFT OVER PIZZA DOUGH?!”

  4. Sam

    Don’t give up, Danny! You’re too entertaining to lose!

  5. chick110

    I love that your mom has joined us Gwyneth haters! I really think we need to have regular meetings where we gush about how out of touch she is with us normal people. (Who really has an outdoor pizza oven???)

  6. alzor

    Well now that I’ve been mentioned by full first nickname I have a small amount of vested interest, though its still pretty low. Quit focusing on the duck bacon and move on to another recipe, because the more time you put that off, the more likely someone will just send it to you. Or the paypal thing, though I don’t endorse the risk of you getting drunk, frustrated and then using your paypal money on alcohol. Julie P. would have made lobster, cheated on her husband and killed a duck to make bacon by this point. This is meant to inspire you by the way.

  7. Minneapolis Hunter

    Try the “best chicken stir fry” recipe – it’s very tasty, easy and makes nice cold leftovers. I added soba noodles to it and didn’t use use chicken breasts (rather, chicken tenders, which are cheaper and still delicious).

  8. Kat

    If you really want to hate Gwynnie just watch “Country Strong”. I’m watching it right now and it’s so bad I’m reading Danny’s blog while watching it with one eye shut. If her cookbook or “Goop” doesn’t make you puke this movie sure will.
    Ps Speaking of puking she’s on her 4th puke fest as we speak!

    • EB

      Hey, she dies at the end, so that’s a bonus, right?

      (Sorry for the spoiler, but if we all hate GP, that should encourage you to watch it, not keep you from it.)

  9. Sounds like you need to open a Kickstarter account pal. Doesn’t even have to be for a large amount – for just shipping if you like. Calculate out what you’ll need, open an account and they will come.

  10. phoebz4

    Okay, I literally LOL when I got to the part where your mom started hating her. I am rooting for you all the way from Ireland – I want to see you succeed and have a Hi!-larious movie made from your blog πŸ˜‰

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