Fuck Duck Bacon

The hoops I’m jumping through to try to purchase some duck bacon have hit ridiculous levels. I bit the bullet and decided to just order some fucking duck bacon from D’Artagnan, figuring I would buy it in bulk and only pay the ridiculous shipping cost once (ideally). I won’t say how much the total came to, because it was NAUSEATING. And then when the time came to pay, I discovered that, for whatever reason, D’Artagnan WON’T ACCEPT EITHER OF MY CARDS.

So now, what do you do when the psychopathic celebrity you’re taking instructions from demands you cook multiple recipes involving a highly specific and rare ingredient that can basically only be found through one company, except that company has decided your bank is not important enough to accept payments from?

I am at a loss. And today, I am hating Gwyneth probably more than I ever have. Who in their right mind authors a cookbook with DUCK BACON, an ingredient almost no one has fucking heard of, as one of the most-used ingredients in the book? It’s just ridiculous. I’ve hit the lowest point of the Project thus far. The duck bacon hunt continues, but not today because I need a fucking break.

This concludes my crankiest blog post yet.

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28 Comments

Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania

28 responses to “Fuck Duck Bacon

  1. Yo, it’s possible to make your own duck bacon. It’d make for an interesting project/post too. Look around the web for recipes.

    • Sara

      I know a guy who can get you a duck. It’s alive, sure, but it’ll be just about as “organic” as it gets. GP and the entire Pacific Northwest will approve.

  2. Gir

    I say screw it completely and use the cheapest real bacon that you can find. Duck bacon can’t possibly be worth all the hassle.

    • Mel

      I agree! or use some other kind of avian ‘bacon’. Turkey perhaps?
      No other mere mortal will go through all this hassle to find duck bacon!!

  3. Clair

    Are you going to change the picture of you kissing the book to a picture of you flipping the book off?

  4. Mikki

    gosh this book and gwyneth are just terrible. what a snob she is! Loving your blog though!! bon courage with this jumping through hoops!

  5. db

    I’m sure your internet friends will tear me apart for this one just like last time, but you complain as if you have no choice, but there are many more useful things you could be doing with your time. So start thinking about actually doing something with your life.

  6. Adriana

    I agree with Gir–just get some pork bacon. Or turkey bacon, if you can find some. I’ve had duck bacon and it is marvellous–but so is pork bacon. Deliciousness is within your grasp; you just need to do it your way.

  7. Jennie

    Well first off, I love reading your blog.
    Second, go with the pork bacon – we will all forgive and admire you for it, plus some cute little duck somewhere will thank you 🙂

  8. Beth

    fucking hilarious, once again.

  9. Geoff

    WE GOT AN ANGRY BLOGGER (NOT IN A CAR)!

  10. phoebz4

    Ooo…when your blog becomes a movie (which I will totally see), can the title be “Fuck Duck Bacon!”?

    WordPress linked your blog to a post on my blog where I went off on poor Gwyneth and her ideals about how any woman can find time to exercise. Uh huh. Just like anyone can find Veganese and duck bacon. Keep up the good fight and don’t give up. I’m enjoying this way too much!

  11. zoobabe

    I agree with using the best pork bacon you can buy, and then you can call it “fuck a duck” bacon in you blog posts

  12. wendy_loohoo

    I do enjoy turkey bacon and it has its place but I don’t think it would be a good substitute because it is typically very lean. I think duck tends to be less lean, so I think a nice pork bacon is the best substitute. But now I am curious as to what cards they do take. It seems odd, but then again duck bacon seems odd to me.

  13. Aparna E.

    Wow. I didn’t realize a lot of her recipes uses this ingredient. Honestly, I didn’t even know there was such a thing :-X Good luck, man! I’ll keep reading regardless 🙂

  14. Angie

    Save a duck and go with cheap pork bacon!
    Danny, my coworker and I love your blog. We discuss it daily by the water cooler here in Cubicle-land and it always cheers us up. Thanks and keep cooking/writing!

  15. chick110

    Thanks for giving me a daily smile. I was going to suggest turkey bacon too, but Wendy_Loohoo is so much more clever than I, so do what she says, not what I say.

  16. Ceri at work

    what about a specialty Asian food store? Don’t some of their recipes call for Duck? and have you contacted our old front desk Kelcie M at new job foods in season? Maybe someone there would have a sugestions. If they could get their hands on it maybe she could get you some….

  17. This is HILARIOUS. I just finished a post today ranting about the June BA cover and now find myself googling around for others who share in my opinion – and WOW are there a lot of them!! Great work! I just love the satire.
    http://allseasonscuisine.com/2011/05/25/bon-appetit-june-cover/#comment-381

  18. aerosol

    Have you talked to the folks at Laurelhurst Market?
    http://www.laurelhurstmarket.com/

  19. Don’t beat yourself up – You’ve tried and now that cute lil’ duck from your last post gets to LIVE : ) Yay!

  20. Duck bacon is so easy to make yourself, look up a recipe and give it a try, the sexiest bacon ever! One mouthful of that and Gwyneth will be all but forgotten! 😉

  21. Karen

    Just saw Gwyneth on The Chew again, and she was talking about her chicken & dumplings recipe, which naturally calls for duck bacon. I’m wondering if it makes enough of a difference to pay nearly $30 a pound for such pretentiousness. What is wrong with regular old bacon? It’s one slice in the whole pot – who would even know the difference? She calls it the homie at recipe in her book. I can’t figure out what’s homey about duck bacon!

  22. Dude, Go to a restaurant and ask them to order it for you. most restaurants have access (I am not talking about a shit restaurant), they might even decide to order some for themselves

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